Well, hhow excited am I to be blogging on 2008.  I first make a commitment with myself that I will blog at least once a month here on Zaadz.  I want to continue supporting the expansion of this amazing website filled with people who continue to inspire and teach me.  This is a retreat for me - Thank you to all those who make it possible.

2008 has come in and with it, fresh air.  I am not entirely comfortable with all of the changes at work but I do realize that these changes are continuing to expand my awareness of who and what I am.  Some of the changes are easier than others of course as is always the case.  I am working on just Being with the changes.  I recently read that my Enneagram personality is such that I tend to be comfortable and in many ways welcome the idea that in all parts of life and in all situations I can see Divine Order working through them.  I can see a war and realize that it is bringing us to a greater awareness of God.  I can see that the war is asking for us to understand ourselves more.  It is not like I do not act against war, it is that I can see that the fact I act against the war is the good that comes from that war.  And my growth and the deepening of our race consciousness is the good at the heart of the situation.  But anyway, what the enneagram also told me was that I sometimes could not allow myself to understand that my emotions and what I feel, especially those judged "bad feelings" were all part of the Divine Order also.  So I am taking the decision to committ to allowing myself to BE with my anxiety, BE with my discomfort, BE with my hurt, etc.  I want to allow myself to Be with them but not OF them.

I also think I feel like new waters are here again.  I recently met someone who is continuing to impress me.  Not so much with all of the wonderful things he does (which are many) but he impresses me with his ability to make me think of him, smile at the thought of him, make me feel happy.  After two years of not seriously dating someone, the opportunity to have that once again is really inspiring me to bring more of who I am, my true nature, to full expression.  If I can manifest this relationship into my life - how powerful am I!  I am powerful enough to bring more health, more love, deeper relationships, more fulfilling situations all into my life.  Not for his sake, not for the sake of others but for the sake of ME.

I have always strived to be a grateful person.  I have always felt I thank God and Divine Spirit for as much as a I can.  Truly, I say to you Divine Mother Father God that I am grateful for this and all my experiences.  Thank you for 2007 and all the inner work, both conscious and unconscious, that came through me for me as me.  I thank you for 2008 for all of what is to come and what already IS.  I thank you for your continued support and love being expressed in so many different ways.  I sit here today knowing your beauty and allowing myself to see that beauty in all that I do.

What does 2008 bring into my life?  All God.  There is no other power, there is no other force.  Whatever ways it choses and I allow it to by which express, it is only God and therefore only good and therefore only joy.  Yay!

Wow - this is from a blog entry over a year ago:

"Well Universe, I tell you now - I want a boyfriend.  I want someone to cuddle with.  I want someone to kiss and someone to touch.  I want someone to roll over in the morning and spoon me.  I want to be able to look ito someone's eyes and say "I love you and am so happy I will spend the rest of my life with you" withoug saying a word.  I want all of what an intimate relationship entails. And because I do not have it at this moment, I am feeling a little low.  And I am allowing myself to feel that - yes, it will come to me but right now I want to be ok with feeling sad that it isnt already here."

I recently saw a commercial that said if you werent happy with Match.com after 6 months, you got another 6 months free.  Well, where is that Customer Service number cause I need to give them a call.  Hehe.

Blogging has made me feel better.  I can see how ridiculous I am being and at the same time I am being okay with not being sure of what exactly I am being.  Woohoo.

then answer it.  I guess that is what happened today.  After a phone conversation that just left me so confused, I did not want to go back to reading (although I am thoroughly enjoying the book on Spiritual Paths of the Enneagram).  I decided to come on the computer and check emails.  An email led me to Zaadz to read a comment and viola - I thought - I want to blog.

To my surprise, it has been over a year since my last blog entry.  I did not think it was that often.  Where has this year gone?  Today, if I am to honor this moment, I am not closer to any of my goals.  I know that Spiritually speaking, I am.  I have walked the journey I was meant to walk this year and that has brought me closer to my complete awareness of Truth.  But in this physical world of "time and space" there are still so many things I wish I had done already.

I have started working with a Life Coach and I can already see the improvements.  We are working on me being "strong but gentle". I have the gentle part down but am working on being at peace with my strength.  I am journaling for that process.  I have also journaled throughout the year for other things but I have not blogged.  So here goes:

Tonight, I am quite unsure of where I stand in my thoughts.  I am torn between wanting to fully honor my feelings and making me snap out of them.  I am between devaluing my feelings and pretending that they are an over dramatization of something or telling myself that I need to experience these emotions.  Quite honestly, I am even confused as to what those emotions are!

Someone recently told me I should try out living in the gray rather than living in a world of black and white.  For the most part, I think I can be very objective and see reasons for the black, white and gray.  There are some parts of the gray that I just dont know how to handle.  I think what I question is how much gray I am supposed to experience.  At that shade of gray do I self care or decide to be so very present in this NOW moment?

Ah I love journaling.  Realizing some of what you are saying doesn't make sense yet still putting it down on paper because you know somehow it is freeing you. 

Anyway, I think I will gather more of my thoughts in bed and see if I can read some more. 

Good night!

Yesterday was Halloween.  Normally it is about people dressing up in joyful rememberance of the days when people did this to scare away the Spirits of All Saints Day on Nov. 1st.  Yesterday at Unity, it was completely different.

For Halloween here at Unity Village there were some people who did dress up.  Actually there was even a costume contest.  But the most facinating thing for me was to be here for Halloween at a place where costumes are not the norm.  The norm is for people to be completely who they are - no veil of separation, no veil of guilt, no veil of hiding.  Interesting now that I write this that the no veil idea was involved in most of the day.

I started off in the 630 am meditation.  I have to be completely honest when I say that I have enjoyed so much wakinig up at 530 in the morning.  I definately will be waking up much earlier in Miami now.  After meditation we had breakfast and I was honored to have breakfast with Paul Hasselbeck, long time Unity minister and also person in charge of the SEE program here.  We discussed the idea of the fall of man and the divinity of jesus.  It was a great conversation.  I am no closer to getting my answers but I feel like I dont have to be closer.  Just the mere exchange of ideas with someone who was arousing my intellect was enough.  We discussed that there is only one error perception of Ego Mind.  There is only one Christ Consciousness.  This whole idea of individual consciousness, as I see it, is just another false idea brought on by the feeling of separation.

After breakfast I got a private tour of Silent Unity.  Silent Unity is the prayer ministry of Unity.  24 Hours a day, 7 days a week, people are available to pray over the phone with someone.  This program has been going on for a century now.  Amazing!  Actually there was someone working in the prayer room who has been praying on the phone with people for over 30 years!  I was given a tour by a wonderful woman who truly expressed the joy and the peace that comes from working in a place like this.  I was also given permission to go into the Prayer Chapel.  In the Prayer Chapel there is at least one person praying at all times of the day..again, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.  You have to go in and leave either on the hour or the half hour.  I did a half hour.  The energy in the room was amazing.  I was blessed to have that experience.  And I am blessed to be so aware of the blessing of such an experience.

After that was my 12 Powers class.  I turned in my assignment.  For my project I created a program based on the 12 Powers of Man for the coordinators meeting I have at my job.  I was really happy with it.  The class went well also. 

Then came lunch which was fun and exciting.  The people I have met here are truly a blessing in anyone's lives and truly raise the consciousness of all.

We had a guest at our Jesus Christ Heals class which came to tell us how he cured himself of MS after a moment of enlightment when he was already blind and incapacitated.  He was what seemed to be the picture of perfect health.  Aside from that though, I have enjoyed the class a lot.  I brought up some of my ideas on the ONENESS of our consciousness and the responsibility that we have not only for our own error thoughts but the error thoughts of all others - after all we are all one.  It didnt seem to inspire a lot in people.  I think it is still not part of their process to realize that.

Mediation class was great.  I fell asleep during the first meditation (again) but the second one was fun.  It was based on the Catholic Contemplative Meditation practices.  I think I will adopt it.

We had dinner which again was fabulous.

Then we went to a 7 pm Wednesday Night service.  It was a very interesting service.  You could tell that it was a new ministerial candidate that gave it.  He still needed practice but I was able to see beyond that and hear the message.  First of, I thought to myself that I will one day be up their practicing also, God willing.  It was beautiful to know that me and that ministerial candidate were going in similar paths but both centered in a movement that is based on love and good and a peaceful God.  The talk was on lifting the veil between us and God.  Once the veil is lifted and we see no separation, then we will truly experience love and peace. 

The music was good but it did make me realize how fortunate we are at Unity on the Bay.  I went to the cottage and put on some Inner Voice and started belting out some tunes.  I was singing and dancing for what seemed hours.  it was great.  This morning I found out a student, Pat, had heard the whole thing when she was out and about admiring the moon.  Haha.  Anyway, in Jesus Christ Heals, it discusses the healing power of joy and music.  It says to not worry about how you sing because eventually, as you connect more with Spirit trhoguh song, you will be receptive to that beautiful true voice of Spirit.  I loved it.

Then I did my paper for Jesus Christ Heals and I loved it.  I love all that is flowing from me while here.  There is a lot of inspiration and healing going on.  I cant wait to be back.  I cant wait to take this feeling back home.

Anyway, I am off to explore some more of Unity Village.  Talk to you soon.  I love you Juan!

So last night I must have gotten to bed at like 10 pm.  I had very vivid dreams and I think its just the energy that is here at Unity.  We woke up at 530 am so we could be at the morning meditation at 630 in the Fillmore Chapel.  Then we had breakfast and first period began.

Since I am not taking a first period class, I went to the library and then to the archives.  In the library I looked up the Daily Word for the day I was born and it was KINDNESS.  A lot of joy rushed through my body for I know that if there is one thing I embody is KINDNESS.   It was nice getting that affirmation.

Then I went to the archives where just being surrounded by all those books and memories of the Fillmores and the movement made me cry.  I was crying all over the place just realizing that YES i am in the cradle of a movement that I think is instrumental in allowing for the human consciousness to evolve.  I got to see both Myrtle and Charles' offices.  I actually was even able to reserve Charles' office so I could sit and work in it from 8 to 830 am tomorrow morning.  I cannot wait.  Truly.

My first class was 12 powers and what I can say is that the facilitator is a sweet sweet man.

more tomorrow my roommate is waking.

So I didnt even get a chance to journal on this thing all day.  Of course I am journaling for two classes.  One of the journals is for the 12 powers of man and its really just about how i have come to understand the powers.  The book is great although somewhat antiquated.  I love the fact that at Unity, we can discuss how we disagree with our co-founder and its perfectly accepted and in some cases, agreed with. 

the other journal is for the mediation class.  I am enjoying that class for many reasons but mainly it is just a nice relaxing time after a long day of thinking.

In the morning today I used Charles Fillmore's office to do some of my reading.  The energy was amazing.  I felt like I was understanding everything he wrote in the chapters I was reading.  Thank you God for that experience.  Tomorrow I hope to be able to get into Myrtle Fillmore's office.  Me and my new friend Kris are going to try to see if we get special permission to do it.

My Jesus Christ Heals class is going well.  I am enjoying the open discussions even though I feel some people would rather not go through it.  Kris' husband, Keith, is in their with me and between the two of us we keep everyone on their toes.  I like them a lot.  Keith is calling me son now.  He looks like a cuter Richard Gere and Kris is very pretty herself.  They both have been Unity students for awhile.  I really enjoy the enthusiasm with which Keith shares his knowledge and understanding.  I think we are on the same page as to what we want to get out of the classes.

Tonight I did my homework not in my room but in the rec room.  Afterwards, while I was walking to my room with Sonia, we saw dear just a few feet away.  Just another expression of hte law of attraction here at Unity.  Even the animals want to be near this place.  I told my mom to start preparing herself in case i move here.  It would be nice.  We will see what Spirit has in store for me.

Another thing we manifested here was a camera.  Both Sonia and I forgot ours and so after we werent able to buy one here, Sonia said - just wait and see how we manifested.  So yesterday I mention to Glen and Mara from UOTB who are here to graduate into the SEE C Program, that if they could to please pass by and buy us one on their way to where they are staying (outside of Unity Village).  Mara responded by letting me borrow hers for the week seeing as how they have been here before.  I have taken amazing pictures.  Everything here just looks so pretty and bright and crisp.

Well anyway, I think we have had enough of this.  I will let you go with the last remaining thought - I went to a meeting of LUT candidates and possible ministerial school candidates and I was really drawn to ministerial school.  Again someone mentioned they saw me as a good one today.  Not my will but God's will.

AMEN.

So I am at Unity Village now and today has just been a fabulous day.

It started with my beautiful flights.  One into Atlanta and then to Kansas City.  I read most of the time on the first flight.  Truly, it was a beautiful experience.  I was reading "Jesus Christ Heals" and it is a great great book.  When we took off from Ft. Lauderdale, I looked out the window and cried.  Such beauty on this earth.  To think that we have co-created such a wonderful place.  I should concrentrate more on that then how "awful" it can be.  Just remember that it is a wonderful place and naturally I will be aligned with its beauty and do things only to enhance it rather than diminish it.  I am glad I took the step of being a vegetarian.

My next flight was supposed to be lots of reading also but I sat on the plane next to a wonderful guy.  He was cute, intelligent, funny and very open.  He was also gushing over his son and his wife.  It was nice to talk to him for those two and a half hours.  I felt I had met a friend from another part of the spectrum from what I normally meet as to lifestyle.  We exchanged numbers.  He was flying from Atlanta where he was in a conference to Kansas City for another conference.  He lives in Hamilton, Ontario Canada.  We talked about the possibility of getting dinner one of these nights.  Who knows?  I hope so but if anything, I would like to keep in touch with him through email.

Then we got to Unity Village.  I am sharing this experience with my friend Sonia.  It is great to have her here with me to discuss our love of Unity and the energy we receive from it (and give back).  Truly this is a beautiful campus with lots of loving, wonderful, vibrant energy.  The people are great also.  Actually when I got to Kansas City and we were on our way to the village, I cried again.  I was just in the love that was Unity and being at its birthplace.  Then I cried a little at Unity Village.  Haha.  All tears of joy though.

We walked around and went to the bookstore and bought some things here and there.  We realized we did not have our cameras - we forgot them in Florida!  We asked the bookstore if they had any and they did not.  The wonderful lady working there, Kathleen, told us she was off at 7 and she would take us into town to get some if we wanted. What a beautiful woman!  She also said that after hearing me talk, she knew I would be a good minister and spread the Unity movement.  She never even asked me if it was my intention to be a minister!!!

Then we had dinner and met some great people.  There is a couple from San Fran, a guy from New York (ex dancer - cute smile), someone from South Florida, a few from other parts.  I got to talk to a lot of them - the ex dancer, Ken and Sonia, made reference to me being a social butterfly.  Really it is just because I am in joy of being in the presence of people who have made a conscious decision to say YES to God. 

They had a service tonight.  Really pretty.  The music was great.  Three ladies sang (someone called them our own Dixie Chicks).  Then a ministerial school student gave a small talk.  I approached everyone to thank them for it.  I told one of the singers that I felt like I knew them for a long time, that they all seemed so open.  She said she felt the same thing from me as soon as she saw me.  Beautiful!

Funny, I could go on and on but I wont.  Just interesting to mention though that most people I have met somehow or another know of Unity on the Bay.  I mean to tell you how funny the connections are...as we were walking back to the Unity Cottages I saw a woman walking by herself so I introduced myself and we began talking about Unity.  I asked her where she was from and she said New Hampshire.  I mentioned I was from Unity ont he Bay.  She said she had heard of it from someone...before she could finish I asked if it was Jim Labrie (he is a congregant at UOTB I had the pleasure of meeting and I know he goes lives someo of the time in NH).  Anyway, it was him.  She actually learned of UOTB from Jim's secretary up there.  What a small world.

Anyway, Sonia is falling asleep (its only 8:48 PM - not sure why she is so tired..im wired) and there are still a lot of books I need to read for classes tomorrow.

Thank you all for reading this.  I know with every word you read, you are sending me love and I return it to you joyfully.

So this must be a first.  I am not exactly ecstatic as I write this blog.

It is 4 am in Miami right now.  I just came back from a friend of the family's wedding.  She is more like a cousin to me and the first of the group and my age group to get married.  It was a beautiful wedding and during it I told my mother I wanted one just like it.  And I do.  I want a wedding where everyone celebrate love.  Everyone celebrates their relationships with family and friends.  I was on a high but then I allowed some issues with my sister get me down.

When I got home I listening to VH1 and the song "Goodbye my lover" from James Blunt came on.  I have listened to that song a million and one times even before it became a single.  Then I realized myself feeling a little sad.  A littled sad asking where my great love would come.  Interesting to think that although I can ask for it, it would be even selfish to think it HAS TO BE rather than being detached from it. 

It is interesting that I can accept the paradox of god being personal and impersonal at the same time but it is very hard for me to understand that although I am sad in this present moment over my feelings of desiring a lover, I can still be happy.  So being BOTH sad and happy are allowed.  It is a paradox - I have accepted many others, why cannot I accept this one.

Well Universe, I tell you now - I want a boyfriend.  I want someone to cuddle with.  I want someone to kiss and someone to touch.  I want someone to roll over in the morning and spoon me.  I want to be able to look ito someone's eyes and say "I love you and am so happy I will spend the rest of my life with you" withoug saying a word.  I want all of what an intimate relationship entails. And because I do not have it at this moment, I am feeling a little low.  And I am allowing myself to feel that - yes, it will come to me but right now I want to be ok with feeling sad that it isnt already here.

My relationship with my sister also has me puzzled.  One the one side, I feel like she does not come through with her word and that I would normally not have friends like that.. On the other hand, I wonder if I am holding her to a higher standard than i do others.  Either way, I feel like my ssiter and I need a break.

This week at Unity Village is just what the doctor ordered.  keep me in your prayers and much love.

You know, its not like I always set out to only blog on my happiness but it is just that I love my life so much and I am so grateful for it.  All things just seem to fall into place.  At times I am a bit confused with the way Spirit is directing my life but then it all becomes clear and how could I not be so joyous!

When I was thinking about this blog I thought I would write "I wish everyone was this happy" and then I thought, "well isnt everyone so happy deep down inside but they just don't realize it?"  But this was my next thought - which I love - "Why must I give in to the race consciousness idea that the world does not realize how happy it is?"

Yes, I know a few minutes ago I read something on poverty and then a few hours ago I read something about a rape..but that was not now, that we the past.  Why must I believe the past is right here right now in the present.  So I do not give into race consciousness that wants to have me believe there are things that are not of Spirit or things that happen as a result of not realizing our own potential because RIGHT NOW, I KNOW there is only happiness in this world and peace reigns supreme.  How fabulous! (Yes I used fabulous, its the gay gene talking)

So besides all those wonderful things I am grateful for, I will be visiting Kansas City at the end of the month.  I will be there for a week taking some classes on Metaphysics.  Actually I will be taking only three of the possible four classes.  The fist period I could only choose from classes I have already taken so I will use that time to enjoy the library started by the Fillmores, walk along the campus that has hosted so many enlightened individuals and just take in the experience of being in such a peaceful place.  I cannot wait!

My other three classes will be: Background of New Thought and Unity (or maybe Twelve Powers), Jesus Christ Heals and Meditation Practices B. 

Anyway, love love love.  I am happy.

Anyways my dear Zaadzters...enjoy the joy of being here.  I know you do.

I am physically tired but spiritually so awake.  I have enjoyed this day.  A day of beauty, a day of purpose, a day full of intention.

I am taking care of my friends beautiful dog Mimi and so I rode my bike with her to a nearby park.  We were there for a few hours.  I read most of the time and also played with Mimi.  Right there, on the grass under the shade of palm trees as I looked to the bay right in front of me with Miami Beach on the other side of beautiful blue ocean.

I remember having a moment of being the observer.  Observing myself observing the world.  It was interesting.  I was short but deep.  I was reading Wayne Dyer's power of intention and at one point it asked to bask in the beauty that surrounded me.  What a perfect spot for it, huh?  And to think this is MY life.  My life is the one that has such beauty and such purpose.  My life - through the grace of Spirit.

Then I went with my friend where we were adding beauty to a the office of our senior minister.  It looked great at the end of a two day renovation project.  Thank you God for friends. 

Now I am home listening to the new India Arie CD and it makes my heart just feel soulful and expansive.  All of this gives me additional things that I have known to always been thankful for, sometimes unconsciously.

I am thankful for music.
I am thankful for smiles.
I am thankful for beauty.
I am thankful for my desire to serve.
I am thankful for greatness.
I am thankful for meekness.
I am thankful for birds chirping.
I am thankful for conscious music that enriches my soul.
I am thankful for forgiveness.
I am thankful for prayer.
I am thankful for my office with windows and the great AC.
I am thankful for DVDs.
I am thankful for India Arie.
I am thankful for ABBA.
I am thankful for laughing.
I am thankful for my feelings.
I am thankful to be thankful.
I am thankful for a good date tomorrow.
I am thankful for cute boys.
I am thankful for intelligence in this world.
I am thankful for intention.

As part of my week's work from The Power of Intention, I am asked to write a gratitude list and go over it every morning and every night for this week.  I am using the blog as the place to put it down.

Below are things I thank you for Mother/Father God.  Blessings are all around me and I thank you for the understanding and wisdom that allows me to see them.  Thank you for continuing to bless me and guide me from blessing to greater blessing.

My Gratitude List

I am thankful for my friends and family
I am thankful for my apartment especially my big room
I am thankful for my Adventure in Faith group
I am thankful for my 4T Prayer Circle
I am thankful for Mimi, the beautiful dog I babysit for my friend Adriana
I am thankful for my loving dear friends who I cherish
I am thankful for my job which allows me to pursue my purpose in life
I am thankful that my life purpose is unfolding
I am thankful for my laptop
I am thankful for the money I make
I am thankful for the people I have met through my job
I am thankful for my books and the fact that I like to read
I am thankful for Zaadz
I am thankful for knowing I am experiencing my own conscious evolution
I am thankful for the boyfriends I have loved
I am thankful for the boyfriends who have loved me
I am thankful for my desire to have a husband and kids
I am thankful for Unity in my life
I am thankful for my high school memories
I am thankful to be smart
I am thankful I am cute
I am thankful for sunny days
I am thankful for rainy days
I am thankful that I love both rainy and sunny days
I am thankful for the beach
I am thankful for water
I am thankful for electricity
I am thankful for being able to pay Gretchen to iron my clothes
I am thankful for my health
I am thankful for my nice teeth
I am thankful that I am caring
I am thankful that I am sweet
I am thankful for my teddy bears
I am thankful that Mimi will sleep in my bed tonight
I am thankful for Thursday night dancing at Studio A
I am thankful that I am going to Unity Village in a few weeks
I am thankful for the knowing that everything will be alright with my license issue
I am thankful that it was only $500 and not $5000
I am thankful to be alive
I am thankful to be gay
I am thankful for my lunch with Michael today
I am thankful for Michaels kind words about my job
I am thankful to know someone like Michael
I am thankful for the kind words of Marcos
I am thankful that God spoke through Marcos and Michael about my job performance
I am thankful for the budget at work I got back
I am thankful for second chances

I am thankful that tomorrow I will be able to add to this list