Zaadz has opened up a new beginning for me.  It has allowed me to think and mull over the last couple of years and how I have grown in my awareness.  It has allowed me to think and mull over what I understand of consciousness and my own evolution.  I have looked back and realized the incredible journey I have so far taken and learned from. 

 This blog is my new diary.  In it, I will discuss my day.  It will be my personal inventory.  This blog will be my reflection on how my journey has been and where my process has taken me.

I salute this new medium.  I salute my enthusiasm.  I salute my resolution to continue fiercely and lovingly in my evolution.

 Thank you God for this day.  Through the Christ indwelling in me and all of creation, I bless this blog and the way it blesses me from this day forth.

 Juan

So this is my first personal inventory/diary.  In looking back at the day, I have so much to be grateful for and so much inspiration for being grateful.

I was very happy to have been able to do my morning meditations like I had wanted.  I really feel that the time I have set aside for prayer for the service ministry is doing wonders and shifting the consciousness of our community.  I still have the thoughts that being in the Silence is difficult.  I need to make that change in thought.  Being in Silence takes some effort to do it effortlessly.  Tomorrow is my longest allotted time for meditation and prayer and so right now i pray "Divine Comfort and Divine Love supports me in my time of meditation and prayer tomorrow."

It was great to have some Sacred Servers I had not seen in awhile come in and be of service at Unity today.  They all touched me and inspired me.  I think mostly what they did is continue showing me that God is behind all I do at Unity and that I am more and more aware of God's Divine Plan for myself and the ministry.

My prayer group for 4T is so powerful.  Never have I felt such peace and prosperity in a group prayer setting like tonight.  I will use tonights experience to support me in my prayer time also.  Remember Juan that those people are praying for you and are also needing you to pray for their goals too.

If there is one thing I believe I need to work through still is what my involvement with the Chaplaincy will be this year.  Having been put into a leadership position, I am walking a fine line between being a leader and being controlling.  It would be easier to allow myself the freedom to walk away from Chaplaincy but something is telling me that if I stay committed, there is a bigger lesson to be learned.  It is obvious to me though that I am there right now to identify how much control I feel I need in certain situation.  It has also allowed me to feel more at ease with how I do my job at Unity.  Seeing how strong I am with leading the Chaplaincy, I am starting to see the great job that I am able to do in the Sacred Service Ministry.  The good job I get thanked for daily but sometimes cannot accept the gratitude.  Remember Juan that they may be using your name in thanksgiving but truly they are saluting the Christ within you and the Christ within is perfect and divine and therefore you should always know to say "You are welcome" and mean it!

Namaste.

I am happy with myself in that although my laptop battery didnt last me long enough I am writing this entry by hand to then type it in.

Today I saw my friend the therapist.  I am happy with my progress. I have seen how I have let go of guilt in some of my situations.  I was able to see how I have not felt guilty about certain frustrations and that is good because I am allowing myself the "shadow" emotions.  Although i do not want to be stuck within the shadow emotions - I feel I need to really experience them.

Although I went into work late, I felt very productive.  I am noticing that I am less hard on myself and allow myself to fell that I am as good at my job as others tell me I am.  It is inspiring to see how my self esteem has been lifted.

Mary gave me some pages from a Kabbalah book.  It talks about the duality as it pertains to God's perfection and perfect imperfection (on its way to being perfect).  Interesting because it deals with man's birth on eart...no fall of man at all - just creation.

Last night I did not get to write in my blog but the experience of last night was wonderful and eye opening.

Late at night, someone entered my spiritual view.  He was someone who quickly became a crush and what surprised me is that he is someone who I would not have thought could easily catch my eye.  There is no hope I am putting into it - no work involved.  If it happens that this person and I see each other again, it would be a joyous moment but if it happens that we do not - we had a joyous moment. 

What a great pleasure it is to relish in the fact that no matter what plans we have for ourselves, no matter what we tell ourselves is what we want, what we hope for, what we desire, God's grace puts in our path something to remind us that we are only here to allow God's plan to unfold - not to rewrite it.  It might seem I am being over dramatic or even a bit crazy - just met the guy last night - if you think so, you have not gotten my point.  My point is simply that no matter my plans, I must be detached.  I will not allow myself to be attached to my plans so that the True plan for my life, the True ways that God expresses in my life - will be ones I can be in complete awareness of and can see as the blessings they are from the beginning.

That is what I had to say about my reasons for not having blogged last night.  Although I was not able to write down my personal inventory on this blog last night, I definately was able to look into my inner thoughts and inner ideas of the "Divine Plan" and for that I am grateful.

Thank you God.

Juan

Is it any wonder that I am as happy as I am.

Is it any wonder that I am who I am.

Is it any wonder that I am what I am.

Is it any wonder that I AM.

I AM.


This just came to me when I began typing.  Interesting.

What I was going to say is that is it any wonder that I am as happy as I am.  More and more I become more and more aware of the blessings.  More and more I fully indulge in my blessings but allowing them to be perceived from a more enlightened state.

Between some of last nights events and the events that took place this evening, I am sure that it has been revealed to me what I must challenge myself with next.  How happy is my heart that it was able to see the signs - I must be an Alchemist :-)

Earlier I also wanted to write about something I read in What is Enlightements?  about Wilburs ideas on the point that "states can be experienced at any stage you are at."  I have to read the whole article because this is basically where I stopped.  He may answer me in just the next paragraphs or the ideas may become clear to me but -

When you experience a higher state, in the moment that you are in that higer state do you raise yourself to the highest stage.  Maybe we go back to the lower stage the very second we then decide to perceive and interpret being in the higher state seeing as how higher states would need less need to be interpreted. Hmm but then if we are in the highest state, why would we feel the need to interpret.  UGH.  I dont know if anyone reading this followed my train of thought - if you did...ugh, right?  If you didn't then you probably make more sense than I do.

LOL I think having a blog might get me in trouble.  People might actually start realizing the things that go on in my head.

Juan

What a beautiful thing it is to be born into a family.  A family that does not stop with your parents or siblings.  A family that continues to grow to include all those you met, all those who left and impression on you.  A family that starts to include your friends.  What a beautiful thing it is to have a family.  A family that includes your close friends and your loved acquaintances.  You start to notice how family is always growing.  And one day you realize that just as it grew from when you first became a part of it, your family can and does include all of humanity and all of God's creations.  What a beautiful thing that is family.

And I was blessed to share my whole Sunday with family.  started at Unity around 830 am and was there until 3 pm.  We had the introduction of the Chaplains and i was surprised at how emotional it was for me to once again stand in front of the congregation and be introduced.  I figured that due to the issues i am having with fitting into the program, it would not mean as much.  But it wasn't that i felt pride or that i was being applauded.  i felt a sense of worth knowing that i was continuing on my spiritual path.  It was as if no matter what the physical appearances of being a chaplain and what it means in this program, I knew what the chaplaincy meant for me.  For me it was another way of showing myself that i was committed to love and pray.  And THAT is why my joy overwhelmed me.

After that i went with the our Feeding People in Transition team to feed the people at the shelter.  We had a great number of sacred servers participating.  I was truly touched by those we served.  There were quite a few families and some that we had seen the month before.  I almost wrote unfortunately but what a judgement that would have been.  If they are still in the shelter it is because their perfect new home is still unfolding and manifesting.  What a wonderful new home that will be.  All is in God's Divine Plan.  Anyway, there was also a baby named Elvis there.  Very very cute.  I shared with the mother the beauty of affirmations to a baby.  She seemed interested and so I taught her some beautiful affirmations she said she would use.  Simple but yet so powerful.  "You are love, you are beauty, you are peace, you are joy, you are powerful."  Imagine being a baby and hearing those wonderful affirmations.  I affirm today and now that Elvis will always be aware of the love and joy and peace that is within him and is him.

After the Feeding event, I had about 15 of the sacred servers over my place for some drinks.  How wonderful to be of the spiritual world and this world.  We enjoyed each others company from like 7 to 1030 pm.  My apartment felt lonely after they left and i did not feel like going to sleep.  Truly in retrospect I realize it was a blessing to feel that way.  It tells me that at this very moment, i still have to work with being with myself.  earlier in the day, I thought i was ready for a child, ready for a family.  I know I am ready to still explore myself instead.  I enthusiastically remind myself to be comfortable in my human loneless by realizing the ONENESS with everything.  Only after i work on it a bit more will I be ready for a family.  So let's start at the beginning of one God.  I draw the right and perfect lover into my life NOW so that we can have a relationship that truly expresses love, peace and harmony.

Thank you God.

So it has been a few days since my last entry.  Honestly, I have been so tired that I have not given myself the chance to get on the site and write my thoughts down.  I am a bit discouraged in that I see a pattern here.  I am a bit encouraged because I see a pattern here. :-)

Actually I have been tired but enjoying the last couple of days tremendously.  I finished reading the Ken Wilbur articles on WIE yesterday.  WOW.  I am so touched by what was written.  Obviously now that has begun yet another thirst to know more about something.  And to think on Sunday I was told that the best thing to do is "not think."  But I know that all this thinking and learning will eventually lead me to where I will not have a need to think anymore.  So its all good.  I also enjoyed reading what Wilbur has to say on the shadow which I have recently been trying to entertain in my life.

I have to be honest that I have not been treating my body well lately.  This stops today. Tonight I will give my body the rest that it needs.  I had some very nice talks to people online in the last week and I think I am wanting to experience that again.  Funny, youd think I would attempt to call those people instead of waiting for others.  I guess thats another thing to discuss in therapy! :-)

I have been thinking about two particular people lately - hold on ill be right back

So without taking away the value of everything that leads up to a breakthrough I would like to just say how amazing having breakthroughs is.

Last night was a great session with my therapist.  Its amazing how life gives you guides.  I mean I am totally aware that all my therapist is is a guide for me.  It is me who does the work.  It is me who does the introspection.  It is me who has the wisdom and knowledge.  Ooops almost sounded a little egocentric - I meant it is God through me.  But it was just increidle to see the web one FORMS to CONFORM to what we feel we must be.  My blocks have been released.  I let them go and give it into the hands of God.  How great is that!

I was told yesterday that I have been in a weird mood lately and not in the happiest of ones either.  It seemed strange to me because I do feel very happy.  i have noticed that my sarcasm is a bit high and although I used to love the wit behind the sarcasm, I truly know that it does not have the best consciousness behind it.  I think it could be my new embracing of the shadow.  Maybe because it is still new to me.  Once I have more experience being in the shadow and bringing light into it - I wont be as affected.  Here is to making a change and a shift.

AMEN.

Juan

http://www.auracolors.com/test.htm

My top aura colors was a tie between Blue and Violet.  Indigo came next.

Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and supportive personalities of the Life Colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on the planet is to give love, to teach love and to learn that they are loved. Their priorities are love, relationships, and spirituality.

Blues are traditionally teachers, counselors, and nurses---basically the loving, nurturers and caretakers on the planet. Blues are constantly helping others. They want to make sure that everyone feels loved and accepted. People are always turning to Blues for comfort and counsel because Blues will always be there for them. They consistently provide a shoulder for others to cry on.

Blues are the most emotional personalities in the aura spectrum. They can cry at the drop of a hat. Blues cry when they are happy, hurt, angry, sad, or for no apparent reason at all. Even watching a sentimental commercial on television can bring on tears.

Violets are the inspirational visionaries, leaders and teachers who are here to help save the planet. Most Violets feel drawn to educate the masses, to inspire higher ideals, to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals and the environment.

All Violets have an inner sense that they are here to do something important, that their destiny is greater than that of the average person. Most Violets have felt this way since childhood. As children, many Violets imagined becoming famous, or traveling the planet, possibly joining humanitarian causes such the Peace Corp. Many of these charismatic personalities take on roles as leaders and teachers, while other Violets prefer to reach people through music, film or other art form.

Because this era is currently the "Violet Age," any Violets who are not accomplishing what they came here to do are experiencing an inner "push" - even an inner "earthquake." Inner forces seem to be shaking them up and pushing them to move into action, to fulfill their life purpose. Violets know they are here to do something significant. However, they aren't always sure what that something is or how to accomplish it.

Many Violets were taught as children that their dreams and aspirations were unrealistic, so they have lost touch with their original visions. It's important for Violets to reconnect with their life purpose and vision, and to take action. Otherwise they will always feel unfulfilled. They will always sense something is missing from their lives. Violets need to learn to slow down long enough to listen to their inner voice and to connect with their higher vision.

Wow all I can say is that I think Violet as the visionary is being supported by my blue.  I think this answers one of the questions I had last night for myself in my therapy.  Last night I realized I do not do certain things in my life now so that I do not have to answer the bigger questions of - do I go to ministerial school? if i do, what does that mean for my hope of a family?  will it be fair to my family if i go away for two years? how will it all work out? how much schooling is still needed? WOW

Juan

I love it.

I love that I love to sing.  I love that I still do not have what you would call a tuned voice.  Singing is one of the things I do even though people would rather I didnt.  Music causes so much joy in my heart that I cannot contain it.  And here I get comments on how I dont sing well or how I should not sing as loudly and yet I know the joy that I get from singing and therefore I sing anyways.

Isnt that the point.  Know what you love to do and do it.  Not for the sake of others but for the sake of doing something that is joyous.  Bring celebration into anything you do.  And do not worry about the outside appearance.  If you dont sing well or whatever it is you enjoy doing - dont worry if you do it well or not.  The voice in itself is only an outside manifestation of whats truyly going on within - joy and love.  So its not as important as how it comes out but where it comes from.  So I love singing and how I sing regardless of others or what I have been told to believe (I had a bad voice).  I sing to sing.  I sing to love.  I sing to be at peace.  I sing to experience joy.

Speaking of singing, I found a song on my ITunes I had forgotten I had.  Its a beautiful song called No Matter What by Boyzone.  And before you think its a superficial song from a superficial boy band remember things are only as superficial as we think we understand them to be.  For me it is a beautiful song about love.  I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it and I had forgotten it is a song I want to play at my wedding.  So lover, where ever on your journey you are on your way to get to me, I dedicate it to you as I sing it now....

The weekend went well. Yesterday I went to the Miami Sea Aquarium.  Pictures about the event will be up.  I enjoyed it with my friend Carmelo.  Its amazing what we humans have done and what the animals of the world have allowed us to do.  Incredible that a beautiful mammal like a dolphin or the beautiful killer whales have such a strong connection to us and to their trainers.  Think about it.  How does a trainer train a dolphin to jump in the air and do two flips.  Its not like the trainer can do it and give the dolphin an example of what is wanted from them.  And we dont speak the same language.  There has to be a deeper connection.  A heart to heart language is what allows them to communicate.  So if a trainer can convey to a dolphin that he wants it to do a triple flip and fall in the water with as much splash as possible, how come we fail to communicate the simplest things from human to humans?  Could it be our language rather then making it easier to communicate allows us the chance to forget how to communicate at the deepest level?  Language may really be a divider than a unifier.  And I am not even speaking of hateful speech but even the "hello, i hope you are having a great day" can allow us to only put the emphasis on the words rather than the heart connection that should be underneath it. 

Today I chose to talk heart to heart.  For the coming week I will make a conscious effort when I want to convey something to go into my heart.  Once a day at least I will choose not to verbalize something to someone but rather put it into prayer and know that it is through Spirit that it will be conveyed to that person.  I trust in this.  I trust in Spirit and I trust that the person will be open and receptive to Spirit.  Yay!  What a wonderful project for me this week.

Lots of love,

Juan

I just finished watching the movie Thumbsucker.  It is a movie I highly recommend.  It is a movie that has touched me and allowed me to bring up into the surface some feelings from my shadow, or really to make me understand a little better where my shadow comes from.

In the movie, a wise Keanu Reeves says that the none of us as humans know what we are doing.  All we can do is try, hope, guess.  That we shouldnt allow ourselves to believe we have the answer.  The trick is to live without the answers....or so he thinks.  Thats what he says...living without the answers.."I think."

How do I reconcile that.  Do I?  I believe that its right in the way I understand it.  As humans we will never know Truth.  We can get closer to Truth but not fully come to know it through our Mind.  My studies within my spiritual path is more to help my mind through the process of letting go of needing answers.  It is to ease the suffering of my mind as I become detached to needs and desires.  It comes into my mind the "myth of the given."  As soon as we bring our moments of "enlightment" into our mind to try to "understand" it rather than letting it just be, we bring it into the realm of the ego and therefore we understand it not in full enlightment spiritual sense but more on an ego level.  Not fully of the ego but not fully detached from the ego.

Another part of the movie that hit me was the love between the family.  As I write this tears begin to swell up.  Going away to college is such an emotional part in a person's life.  Both for the person going to college and for the family being left behind.  I was truly touched by a scene where the mother tells her son that she has always kept an eye on him.  The son tearfully asks "yeah?"  It brings into my heart a lot of emotions.  I am experiencing the loneliness of feeling like I held in my power so much of my parents joy.  Lonely in the sense that I feel that it isolated me from my true needs which was to feel love from them rather than having to make sure they felt love from me.  Interesting, isnt it?  My mother always placed such importance in my life.  She made it well known that her children would be what brought happiness to her life because of a sense that she held that she was not loved earlier in her life.  I think this is what made my parents divorce even harder.  I felt my mother could break and in fact came very close to it.  And I do not mean break in the sense that she had a break down because in fact she had one, a very big bad one.  One where I was left to take care of her and console her.  Even writing this I feel a little guilt in that I see it this way rather than me beingg able to just support her but it was so much pressure and I felt so alone.  In my hand, someone made me believe I held the power to her happiness.  I wasnt even happy with my own life, how could I be made responsible for anothers.  And in trying to worry about the responsibility of her life, I forgot to work on mine.

My father was another case altogether.  Things were ackward.  If he didnt show love to me through words and actions, it was ackward.  If he showed some appreciationg for me, I didnt know how to receive it and it became ackward.  It was a lose lose situation with him.  I am sure he must have felt the same way.  how could he have not.  And am I to blame him for this? Am I to blame my mother?  I am not sure the word is blame.  For I allowed this to take place.  I placed it in my life.  I am torn with how to feel about it.  My father to this day I believe is trying his hardest but it is so ackward for him that it seems easier to just let it go. 

I do not even know what I am saying anymore.  All I know is that there is a lot of hurt feelings that have never been truly examined.  We do not discuss these feelings.  At times in the past out of rage maybe I mentioned a few of them but after the rage came this silencing.  And the silencing became a way of being and it became more comfortable until now.  Now I am aware and something needs to be done.  I give it to God.  God, thank you for guiding me to a resolution with my family.  Thank you for guiding me to therapy.  Thank you for guiding my words of love and healing.  I am healed.  I am loved.  I am healing.  I am love.   I am.

Amen.

Wow I did not how long it had been since I had blogged.  I think looking back on this week that I did not give myself enough reflection time at night.  I had a lot of reflections during the day but when it came to getting online to blog, I chose to do something less productive like watch really bad TV. 

The following are the 9 or so pages of notes I took on Friday, Aug. 17th at a Silent Retreat I went to from 10 AM to 3 PM.  During that time I did not speak once.  At 3 I only began talking to share of my experience.  it was a beautiful day and below is the journal I kept.

After first 50 minute silence time
It is amazing how Silence makes you thirsty. I need for my thirst to be quenched.  Amazging that the Spiritual manifests in the pysical.  Just one more way to realzie - as within, so with out.

After second 50 minute silence time
Still thirsty but knowing God is filling me alway with love and joy.

At the beginning of the second time of meditation I cried.  I cried longing to always know God.  In accepting my need of God my soul cried out.  Cried out because I have so much of God but yet so little.  God is as me, through me and to me and yet there seems to be another face of God I long for.  How lucky to be so awre of my journey!  How lucky to love God and be loved by God.  I now understand the joy of David.  I now want to knkow the wisdom of Solomon and the peace of Jesus.  It is a beautiful thing this journey.  Thank you God.

Before lunch, we had time to walk around while we waited for the food to arrive.  I chose to use the time to walk our labyrinth.

The labyrinth.  So exciting, so insightful.

Its amazing how you begin and end at the same spot yet you dont really know its all about the beginning until you walk the labyrinth.  You mut journey through life to know that you end up right where you started - Divine Mind.

The journey is intersting, so full, so rich.  At differnet points of the labyrinth you face all of the cardinal signs - east, west, north, south and everything in between.  I noticed also that the stripes on the ground were paints blue to me representing water.  I was barefoot feeling the earth, the asphalt was hot and I noticed the fire and I consciously breathed into the labyrinth the air - the breath of life.

I have for a long time used "love" as a mantra when trying to center myself, when reminding myself to go to Source.  Today it did not seem tow ork during hte first meditation and certainly in the labyrinth.  So I began to use "peace" as the mantra and the effects were immediate.  I felt connected to my 4T prayer group.  We decided to choose peace as our cnetral group focus and we always end out prayer time with the affirmation:

Divine Peace within us manifests peace in our world.

Emotions ran up my spine.  I felt connected to my group, to my heart, to God.  I can tell peace is calling to be expressed in my life and I intend it in all my activities.  The Peace of God is within me.

I really enjoyed doing the labyrinth barefoot.  I could feel the life force and its heat running trough my body.  I felt at one with the hot earth.

Another revelation was just that.  I have always tried to silence my mind and at one point I felt I was "thinking" of the labyrinth too much and then I had a revelation.  I was the wisdom of God.  God's wisdom was revealing itself to me.  What I must silence is what comes from the place of ego, what does not allow me to know my Truth.  All of these "thoughts" on the labyrinth brought me closer to the understanding of God and myself.  Those arent through of mind, those are revelations of Divine Mind.

Towards the end of my journey someone joined the labyrinth.  We are all on our own journey and although at one time or another we meet, it is our individual journey to take.  At other times she was close to me in proximity but yet at a different "leg" of the journey.  Even if we are of "like mind" I must respect, honor and understand that we are constantly in different processes and stages of those processes.  One same journey, many different paths.

In the center of the labyrinth I thanked God for many things.  I was struck by my gratitude that said "thank you God for being able to be your bride." I understand it now.  I am in Divine co-creating partnership with God.  I take the oath to become a minister - to allow od to be my foundation and allow the Divine Idea to be birthed through me.

Is it any wonder the joy I felt ini the labyrinth?  Is it any wonder I am the embodiment of joy.  Thank you Mother Father Joy.  Thank you.

This was written after lunch

I believe I have discovered the secret of life and it was all through SOUP!  We just had lunch.  I kept the silence and was aware of our nourishment.  I could hear the crunchiness of cucumbers, feel the melting of the cheese.  It was beautiful.  We also ha gaspacho.  I saw that I let the gaspacho sit for a brief moment and the ingridients started to separate.  One I stirred, it was back to being connected and was once again a delicious, fresh, full of energy soup.  I thought - THAT is life!  Life's ups and downs was just the stirring to remind us that we are all connected to each other and to Spirit.  There is nothing to fear from the stirring, it is purposeful.

So I bagan to think of the sense of separation.  Divine Mind created Divine Idea, Divine Idea created ideas also and those ideas started having thoughts on themselves.  Divine Idea saw how theose thoughts became confused and felt separate.  Just like a grandchild is the same lineage as the grandfather, still the grandchild feels further away from the grandfather.  Anyways Divine Idea created life for these thoughts in order to remind them of being connected.  Life is not what we create out of separation but what we create because we long to be ONE.

After lunch, our silent meditation was doing a mandala that represented your life so far

The universe hears all.  I had just told someone I wanted to do a mandala and here it is my next exercise (actually I had thought about it after seeing someones mandala on zaadz).  Beautiful, I cried knowing I am supported.  I am letting God direct me with the colors to use and where to use them.  I will allow God to choose them from the box.  All I picked at first were "joyous" light colors and then I got gray.  I looked at the crayon but it doesnt have the name on it.  Wow, whatever colors shape your life, do not label that color.  It isnt light or dark, its a color that makes the mandala colorful, unique and beautiful.

The way I had the paper position was landscape.  To me it meant that my life is not LONG but it is WIDE REACHING.  When I said my life is not long, did i mean my life wasnt going to last long or that it had not been long so far - or both.  Regardless I will touch more than either lengths.

I got white on white paper.  Sometimes I may feel a "color" wont do much different but it adds texture!

The same color would come up to be used in areas next to each other sometimes.  Thinngs come up again so you can revisit things left behind...but you can choose to continue.

Have the mandala speak to me - not me into it!!!!

Don't be so controlling, even the colors are unpure.  They have shades within shades, processes within processes.

I ended up using every single color in my box without ever making an effort about it.  Thank you God!

Simple mandala:
lots of green - prosperity
red supported by red - love
orange - prayer/Chaplaincy
purple - service

prayer supports my prosperity
prosperity supports my prosperity
love supports my love
my "grays" support my desire to be of service, it is my way to heal and be connected.

My mandala is so connected to my labyrinth.  There is a center of gratitude, everything else built around it.  N.S.E.W.  All in a circle but with intricate processes within the circle.

I dont thirst during the day like I have today.  I dont thirst for busyness - I thirst for Silence.

I was getting anxious with the pounding of crayons (some people were coloring very hard) but I must honor it, for it is how we all make our different mandalas.

This was the last notes I took after tearing up the mandala but before it being 3 PM and having the ability to share about our experience.

The Silence is not darkness.  The VOID is not empty.  I dont like that term - the void.  Another V word I will try not to use.

All things seen, depend on things unseen.

I love myself, just as God created me.

I cannot discuss the mandala by showing it.  We tore it up.  Is this a lesson in detachment from lessons learned?  Intersting.  What I will say about my mandala will come from my heart.  My communication through the heart without symbols or signs - just the Spirit of what my mandala meant...of what is my mandala STILL - its the essence of my mandala that remains. 

Thank you God for a great day.

Tonight we watched the movie The Secret as part of a class I am taking.  What a great movie!  It is all about the power you harness through the law of attraction.  I need to watch it again because there are definately many things I want to start doign as a routine in order to work on how I use that particular law.

I have also begun to work with the Course in Miracles.  I have to say I am feeling a little overwhelmed at this moment with everything going on but I trust that Spirit will provide all the time and energy to do all I want to do.  I also trust Spirit to direct me to the things that I must do.

I had an interesting experience with confidentiality today.  It happened to me throughout the day actually beginning with seeing something I did not feel very comfortable with during a chaplain activity and then tonight within the 4T program.  In between that time though I know that I was not at my highest potential when I was not keeping in confidentiality something that seem miniscule but still it was a breach of trust.  I think I am being called to address what my definition of confidentiality is and to stand behind it.  I feel that I am now keeping confidentiality as very sacred but I see in myself sometimes when I discuss things that are not for me to discuss.  I mean somethings are dumb like a funny story someone told about their life but more and more I feel that unless it is my story - I shouldnt tell it.  I guess Spirit is asking me to truly be in integrity iwth my definition of confidentiality and Spirit guided me to the experiences I had today in order for me to see how I do not like it when I see other people doing it even when its not about me.  Thank you God for guiding me to greater and greater actualization of my potential!!!

Anyway, thats it for tonight.  I need to read Course in Miracles and finish a chapter within The Power of Intention.

Love and Blessings!

Juan

I just noticed how I began discussing The Secret and then went to confidentiality.  No coincidences in this world.  Thank you God for that!!!

1. Do we know each other outside of Zaadz?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'd get along with your family?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

So I cannot get to bed but at the same time I dont feel like doing much.  I am listening to The Postal Service and talking to some kid online who doesn't like the "gay scene."  All it leaves me wandering is what the gay scene is and whether I am so out of the mainstream "gay scene" that I dont even realize there is one in Miami.  Maybe I am beyond the labeling of that grouping.  Lets hope so.

Apart from that, I could be using my time to read my next lesson in Course in Miracles but I cant get myself to do it.  The first three lessons have been easy to practice, almost too easy.  I am questioning whether the fact they are easy means that I am not putting much thought into it.

Anyway, just wanted to write something.

Oh but I do want to say that last week I sent out an email to people I know in appreciation of teir friendship.  It is amazing how that opened me up to receiving such wonderful emails (from people I didnt send it to) with their gratitude for me.  Great how this universe works.  I am also loving The Power of Intention.  I am doing a workshop on it for the 12 Hour Transformational Journey at our church.  The workshop is titled "Passions, Purpose...Powerful"