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January 2008 
Thumbsucker
Posted on Aug 14th, 2006
by 
Juan
Juan
I just finished watching the movie Thumbsucker. It is a movie I highly recommend. It is a movie that has touched me and allowed me to bring up into the surface some feelings from my shadow, or really to make me understand a little better where my shadow comes from.
In the movie, a wise Keanu Reeves says that the none of us as humans know what we are doing. All we can do is try, hope, guess. That we shouldnt allow ourselves to believe we have the answer. The trick is to live without the answers....or so he thinks. Thats what he says...living without the answers.."I think."
How do I reconcile that. Do I? I believe that its right in the way I understand it. As humans we will never know Truth. We can get closer to Truth but not fully come to know it through our Mind. My studies within my spiritual path is more to help my mind through the process of letting go of needing answers. It is to ease the suffering of my mind as I become detached to needs and desires. It comes into my mind the "myth of the given." As soon as we bring our moments of "enlightment" into our mind to try to "understand" it rather than letting it just be, we bring it into the realm of the ego and therefore we understand it not in full enlightment spiritual sense but more on an ego level. Not fully of the ego but not fully detached from the ego.
Another part of the movie that hit me was the love between the family. As I write this tears begin to swell up. Going away to college is such an emotional part in a person's life. Both for the person going to college and for the family being left behind. I was truly touched by a scene where the mother tells her son that she has always kept an eye on him. The son tearfully asks "yeah?" It brings into my heart a lot of emotions. I am experiencing the loneliness of feeling like I held in my power so much of my parents joy. Lonely in the sense that I feel that it isolated me from my true needs which was to feel love from them rather than having to make sure they felt love from me. Interesting, isnt it? My mother always placed such importance in my life. She made it well known that her children would be what brought happiness to her life because of a sense that she held that she was not loved earlier in her life. I think this is what made my parents divorce even harder. I felt my mother could break and in fact came very close to it. And I do not mean break in the sense that she had a break down because in fact she had one, a very big bad one. One where I was left to take care of her and console her. Even writing this I feel a little guilt in that I see it this way rather than me beingg able to just support her but it was so much pressure and I felt so alone. In my hand, someone made me believe I held the power to her happiness. I wasnt even happy with my own life, how could I be made responsible for anothers. And in trying to worry about the responsibility of her life, I forgot to work on mine.
My father was another case altogether. Things were ackward. If he didnt show love to me through words and actions, it was ackward. If he showed some appreciationg for me, I didnt know how to receive it and it became ackward. It was a lose lose situation with him. I am sure he must have felt the same way. how could he have not. And am I to blame him for this? Am I to blame my mother? I am not sure the word is blame. For I allowed this to take place. I placed it in my life. I am torn with how to feel about it. My father to this day I believe is trying his hardest but it is so ackward for him that it seems easier to just let it go.
I do not even know what I am saying anymore. All I know is that there is a lot of hurt feelings that have never been truly examined. We do not discuss these feelings. At times in the past out of rage maybe I mentioned a few of them but after the rage came this silencing. And the silencing became a way of being and it became more comfortable until now. Now I am aware and something needs to be done. I give it to God. God, thank you for guiding me to a resolution with my family. Thank you for guiding me to therapy. Thank you for guiding my words of love and healing. I am healed. I am loved. I am healing. I am love. I am.
Amen.
In the movie, a wise Keanu Reeves says that the none of us as humans know what we are doing. All we can do is try, hope, guess. That we shouldnt allow ourselves to believe we have the answer. The trick is to live without the answers....or so he thinks. Thats what he says...living without the answers.."I think."
How do I reconcile that. Do I? I believe that its right in the way I understand it. As humans we will never know Truth. We can get closer to Truth but not fully come to know it through our Mind. My studies within my spiritual path is more to help my mind through the process of letting go of needing answers. It is to ease the suffering of my mind as I become detached to needs and desires. It comes into my mind the "myth of the given." As soon as we bring our moments of "enlightment" into our mind to try to "understand" it rather than letting it just be, we bring it into the realm of the ego and therefore we understand it not in full enlightment spiritual sense but more on an ego level. Not fully of the ego but not fully detached from the ego.
Another part of the movie that hit me was the love between the family. As I write this tears begin to swell up. Going away to college is such an emotional part in a person's life. Both for the person going to college and for the family being left behind. I was truly touched by a scene where the mother tells her son that she has always kept an eye on him. The son tearfully asks "yeah?" It brings into my heart a lot of emotions. I am experiencing the loneliness of feeling like I held in my power so much of my parents joy. Lonely in the sense that I feel that it isolated me from my true needs which was to feel love from them rather than having to make sure they felt love from me. Interesting, isnt it? My mother always placed such importance in my life. She made it well known that her children would be what brought happiness to her life because of a sense that she held that she was not loved earlier in her life. I think this is what made my parents divorce even harder. I felt my mother could break and in fact came very close to it. And I do not mean break in the sense that she had a break down because in fact she had one, a very big bad one. One where I was left to take care of her and console her. Even writing this I feel a little guilt in that I see it this way rather than me beingg able to just support her but it was so much pressure and I felt so alone. In my hand, someone made me believe I held the power to her happiness. I wasnt even happy with my own life, how could I be made responsible for anothers. And in trying to worry about the responsibility of her life, I forgot to work on mine.
My father was another case altogether. Things were ackward. If he didnt show love to me through words and actions, it was ackward. If he showed some appreciationg for me, I didnt know how to receive it and it became ackward. It was a lose lose situation with him. I am sure he must have felt the same way. how could he have not. And am I to blame him for this? Am I to blame my mother? I am not sure the word is blame. For I allowed this to take place. I placed it in my life. I am torn with how to feel about it. My father to this day I believe is trying his hardest but it is so ackward for him that it seems easier to just let it go.
I do not even know what I am saying anymore. All I know is that there is a lot of hurt feelings that have never been truly examined. We do not discuss these feelings. At times in the past out of rage maybe I mentioned a few of them but after the rage came this silencing. And the silencing became a way of being and it became more comfortable until now. Now I am aware and something needs to be done. I give it to God. God, thank you for guiding me to a resolution with my family. Thank you for guiding me to therapy. Thank you for guiding my words of love and healing. I am healed. I am loved. I am healing. I am love. I am.
Amen.
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