then answer it.  I guess that is what happened today.  After a phone conversation that just left me so confused, I did not want to go back to reading (although I am thoroughly enjoying the book on Spiritual Paths of the Enneagram).  I decided to come on the computer and check emails.  An email led me to Zaadz to read a comment and viola - I thought - I want to blog.

To my surprise, it has been over a year since my last blog entry.  I did not think it was that often.  Where has this year gone?  Today, if I am to honor this moment, I am not closer to any of my goals.  I know that Spiritually speaking, I am.  I have walked the journey I was meant to walk this year and that has brought me closer to my complete awareness of Truth.  But in this physical world of "time and space" there are still so many things I wish I had done already.

I have started working with a Life Coach and I can already see the improvements.  We are working on me being "strong but gentle". I have the gentle part down but am working on being at peace with my strength.  I am journaling for that process.  I have also journaled throughout the year for other things but I have not blogged.  So here goes:

Tonight, I am quite unsure of where I stand in my thoughts.  I am torn between wanting to fully honor my feelings and making me snap out of them.  I am between devaluing my feelings and pretending that they are an over dramatization of something or telling myself that I need to experience these emotions.  Quite honestly, I am even confused as to what those emotions are!

Someone recently told me I should try out living in the gray rather than living in a world of black and white.  For the most part, I think I can be very objective and see reasons for the black, white and gray.  There are some parts of the gray that I just dont know how to handle.  I think what I question is how much gray I am supposed to experience.  At that shade of gray do I self care or decide to be so very present in this NOW moment?

Ah I love journaling.  Realizing some of what you are saying doesn't make sense yet still putting it down on paper because you know somehow it is freeing you. 

Anyway, I think I will gather more of my thoughts in bed and see if I can read some more. 

Good night!

Wow - this is from a blog entry over a year ago:

"Well Universe, I tell you now - I want a boyfriend.  I want someone to cuddle with.  I want someone to kiss and someone to touch.  I want someone to roll over in the morning and spoon me.  I want to be able to look ito someone's eyes and say "I love you and am so happy I will spend the rest of my life with you" withoug saying a word.  I want all of what an intimate relationship entails. And because I do not have it at this moment, I am feeling a little low.  And I am allowing myself to feel that - yes, it will come to me but right now I want to be ok with feeling sad that it isnt already here."

I recently saw a commercial that said if you werent happy with Match.com after 6 months, you got another 6 months free.  Well, where is that Customer Service number cause I need to give them a call.  Hehe.

Blogging has made me feel better.  I can see how ridiculous I am being and at the same time I am being okay with not being sure of what exactly I am being.  Woohoo.